Monday, February 17, 2014

#287 - You Got Claw'd

       Sooner or later, everyone gets punk'd. Even Claw. But...if you've ever been punk'd by Claw, you weren't really punk'd at all. You've just been Claw'd. And when Claw gets punk'd, he's not really punk'd at all, either. He just got claw'd.

#286 - Sleeper

     Sometimes I wake up thinking I've been awake the whole time, then realize it was all a dream, and think I’ll be tired all day, because the mind was busy dreaming, even though the body was asleep. Unfortunately, even if the body has rested, when the mind has been busy, it’s still taxing during the day, but not so bad. Physically tired, but sharp as a tack.

#285 - A Hero Passive

A hero is someone who acts first, without thinking,
rather than thinking first, then acting.


Acting first, is reactive in nature, not relying on logic or common sense, but more on spur of the moment, as in, what needs to be done, for the greater good, AND...as an act of self-sacrifice, without any consideration for the consequences of the actions, and how they may affect you, good or bad. That is the essence of heroics.

#284 - Wizdom On The Way

Many wisdoms are simply a wise-ass response, disguised as an altruism,
delivered in diplomatic fashion, to something someone said or did, in an asshole sort-of-way. Fevisms follow this format, albeit loosely, since fevisms are not subject to any rules or format, whatsoever.

#283 - Eye-Cue

Never underestimate the intelligence of those we think are less intelligent than us.

#282 - Prayer For The Day

LaFevre says a prayer at bedtime, to get him through the night, and wake up the next morning. The next morning, he says a prayer, as a thank you for making it through the night, and to get him through the day.

#281 - Clawgic

     That would be the logic that Claw employs, when creating, configuring, and conceptualizing, the Fevisms; the reality of life, to survive, surpass, and thrive, in the world today. Clawgic. Learn it. Embrace it. Live it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

#280 - Imaginarium

LaFevre can imagine it happening.
Imagining is easy, happening is not.

#279 - Up To Speed

If you can’t keep up, I can’t keep bringing you up to speed.

#278 - Ejukayshunal Prosess

One of LaFevre’s favorite hobbies is the process of education, learning new stuff all the time; and also educating others, but not in a way that makes others feel uneducated, or uninformed. As in, insulting along the way.

#277 - I Think Not

LaFevre has occasionally had run-ins with individuals he has corrected, for the same mistake, more than once. So it has been said, that these individuals think he doesn’t think very highly of them. LaFevre has only one thing to say:

It’s not that I don’t think very highly of you;
it’s more like, I don’t like having to think for you, over and over.

#276 - Toner Wash

Don’t ever feel like you’re guilty when not recycling toner cartridges. Everything else, maybe, but toner, no. Here’s why: you’re influenced to think you should order remanufactured toner cartridges, called remans, or remaxes, because it’s good for the environment. And, it saves you money, while making money for someone else in the process. It’s bullshit. New cartridges are the only way.

But here’s the deal – new cartridges that are recycled, can only be used once, according to industry standards. If you turn in a used cartridge, you get maybe 5% of the original cost. The recycling company sells these cartridges to remanufacturers at a 20-30% markup. Then these remanufacturers refill the cartridges, sometimes without cleaning the cartridge, or repairing worn parts, then resells these cartridges at an additional 20% markup, which is basically only 20% less than an original cartridge. The problem is, more often than not, they leak in your printers, necessitating a service call; at which time, the technician lays on you a bullshit line about being charged extra, since the warranty doesn’t cover service calls that involve remanufactured toner cartridges. They only back down when you call them on that warranty; as in, the warranty covers the machine, not the cartridge.

Do yourself a favor: when the cartridge is done, throw it out. You will be doing someone else a favor by not having it leak in their printer, requiring a service call. And, cheap, fly-by-night recyclers won’t make any money in the process. Stick to the originals. OEM’s. HP.

Monday, November 28, 2011

an excerpt from "My Chequered Life", the LaFevre autobiography

You can’t have a book coming out of San Francisco without a section dedicated to the unfortunate natural disaster that occurred here in 1989. The Loma Prieta earthquake. Or any other shaker, for that matter. Luckily, I was more fortunate than others. My home was on solid rock. A lot of SF is. And a lot of SF isn’t. Half the city is built on sand. Half of downtown is landfill. The majority of the damage was on landfill, but of a different type. The financial district was built on landfill with stringent architectural requirements in place, and different materials. It was assumed in the event of a major earthquake, all the glass from the highrises would immediately break and fall. It didn’t happen. Thanks to code. Unfortunately, the landfill along the northern side of SF (Marina), wasn’t built for permanent use. Unlike downtown who’s pillars went 100 feet down into actual rock, the Marina was filled in with trash as a temporary deal, for the 1939 World Expo. After, it was decided to be used for housing. Big mistake. Then again, it was 1939. It was still water back in 1906. Nothing to go by as far as research. Back to 1989. Liquefaction. Landfill turned to quicksand. Homes costing millions because of the bay views, reduced to mush. Like my bowl of oatmeal.

I was working at the SFJCC at the time. Even though I’m born & raised here, and never tripped on earthquakes, usually riding them like a wave, this time I ducked under the table. Not because it’s what you’re supposed to do in this type of situation, but because the light fixtures hanging by chains, were swaying back and forth. It was 5:04pm. And off from work. I ran home immediately (five blocks away). Luckily, there was no damage. Even the beer bottles that I had lined the tier that ran the perimeter of my living room, had survived, sans five. Out of 50. Not bad for a shaker and no bottles falling off a ledge measuring four inches. I was stunned. My day was not over, though. Part Two was just beginning.

I was scheduled for a shift at KRQR that night. Midnight to 5am. But it wasn’t your normal shift. I don’t know why and who knows why, but the Music Director was the scheduled DJ in that timeslot…on the record. She also had the obvious responsibilities as the Music Director that required her presence during the workday. I think it was a money-saving deal. It worked. Up until the earthquake. Since the music list was printed two days in advance, by her, she would take the list for her day and shift time, and record voice tracks between the music; adding in promo spots and public service announcements. I suppose the station could have simply used someone like me to run pre-recorded ID’s and promos throughout the shift, but I guess if they could have, they would have. My guess is, it wasn’t allowed, per FCC regulations. Being a union shop may have been a factor. But, then again, I did the overnight board operations as a silent DJ Monday through Friday at KOIT. Maybe KOIT was non-union. Being a major market station, I seriously doubt it.

Anyway, my job was to silent DJ this overnight shift, playing the music, and running her pre-recorded voice tracks where indicated. I realized immediately, her DJ skills suffered in the wake of her other duties as Music Director. There were regular inconsistencies with her voice tracks. Back-announcing music that hadn’t played yet, listing songs out of order from the music list, etc. From that point, I started screening the whole reel against the list, before starting the shift. I juggled the songs to match her back-announcing, splicing out certain sections that didn’t match the format altogether. I made it work. After all, I was the best. Most-requested by all the on-air talent. My shit was tight. But this time, the recordings were rendered moot. You can’t run recordings that sound as if nothing happened seven hours earlier. This was major news.

After securing the home front, I still had seven hours before my shift. I saw the news about the devastation in the Marina district. My district was secure. I wanted to help. Even if it was for only a few hours. I hopped on my bike and crossed the hill down to the Marina. Fires raged. Power was out. I had my flashlight with me. I secured my position at a major intersection, and directed traffic for five hours. I knew it would die down later on, enabling me to move on to my midnight shift at KRQR. I wouldn’t find out until years later, after taking the N.E.R.T. (Neighborhood Emergency Response Team) course provided by the SF Fire Department, that it basically came about because of the huge support provided by civilians on that fateful day.

With power lines down, and water mains broken, fire hoses had to run many blocks farther from where the fires were. Civilian bystanders jumped in and assisted with running the hoses and maintaining the lines. The SF Fire Department, realizing the staff shortage, created the N.E.R.T. program. It’s sole purpose: to act as a backup to neighborhoods in the event of a disaster, and in situations where Fire Department access would not be timely. For the record, LaFever is officially a San Francisco Fire Department-certified N.E.R.T. member. And CPR-certified, as well, through a company program.

On to KRQR. Already in progress, KRQR was broadcasting their sister station, KCBS, from down the hall, on their channel. Ah, the benefit of synergy. I took over the board from the previous DJ. Didn’t have to do anything. An hour later, the Program Director calls on the hotline. No biggie. How could I do anything wrong when we were running another station. It would be my shining moment. All 15 seconds of it. KRQR was a union shop. AFTRA. I was non-union. He told, “I doubt we’ll have to broadcast KCBS the entire night. If they go to interviews with the general public like they’re doing on television as we speak, switch back to KRQR, go on-air, explain if there are any further developments, we’ll inform you, do a station ID, and go into music. And run pre-recorded ID’s for the remainder of the shift.” Whoaaa. Cable and college radio was easy. This was a 50,000-watt station, heard from Sacramento to San Jose. I had to write down what I was going to say. Hey, I’m not proud. The last thing I wanted to do was screw up a 15-second spot. My only spot.

Pulled it off. Within a couple days, two buddies told me they heard me on the radio. Mom did, too. But didn’t know it was me. She said she was listening to my station, broadcasting news, some guy came on, said something, and went back to music. I said, “Mom, that was me.” Evidently, due to high-grade equipment, processors, equalizers, and compressors, my voice came out a little different.


“The best place to be in an earthquake is a stationary store.”

#275 - Ink Blot, Ink Blot

LaFevre was staring at his bathroom floor tiles, which resembled mitochondria, as if staring at human cells through a microscope. All tiles had the same pattern. But upon further review, smaller depictions could be seen in the patterns, in many shapes and forms.

LaFevre has seen and realized the ink blots don’t look like anything. Anyone who sees anything other than a butterfly, or plants, is nuts. Here’s why: the ink is splattered, and the paper folded in half. So the pic you see is a half ‘n’ half that is symmetrical. Both sides are mirror images of each other. All I see are butterflies. In the big picture, it means nothing, especially if every picture is a butterfly.

Of course, if any of you reading this, sees something other than what it is, which is ink, maybe a butterfly, well, you’re nuts.

Monday, November 21, 2011

#274 - Compostribution

The newest addition to the LaFevre Dictionary Of Contemporary Terms. Dedicated to the green cause, even if it is yellow. If common manure can be manipulated into fertilizer, as well as the dogs of the world, peeing upon a tree, and the tree doesn’t die, then it most certainly would be a compostribution on the part of LaFevre, to add his own to the environment. But only in extreme situations.

#273 - Tunnel Vision

Aptly named, for the lack of long-term focus on reaching the end. On the surface, they are merely a shortcut through a space, that would normally take twice, three, or more, times longer to get to where you’re going. But “tunnels”, have a much deeper meaning – philosophically and spiritually.

You enter a tunnel to get to the other side of whatever. Those who pass on, enter a tunnel from this life, to the other side. Those who have reached the end of their rope, for whatever reason, are also in the tunnel. Unfortunately, those caught in the tunnel, are caught up with the length of the tunnel, and fail to see the light at the end, thwarting their efforts to reach that end. You can’t see it because the tunnel has turns you must navigate.

There is always a light at the end. The time it takes, takes some time, but is of no consequence, because it is the light at the end that is all that matters. The light itself, is all you need, to get you through the tunnel. You may not see it, but it is there. The length of the tunnel is your challenge. The light is your prize. The tunnel itself, is merely a crossover. To a better place. If you have the time, and patience.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

#272 - Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Feeling stupid is but for the moment.
Acting stupid continues through the night.
But being stupid, lasts a lifetime.

#271 - Seeing Is Believing

Pricing. The worth of a product or service is what you are willing to pay for it. That’s an individual thing, regardless of what the seller thinks. You can bet the price is marked up over the actual cost anyway, but that’s capitalism, to make money, with which LaFevre has no problem.

The problem here is when the prices are non-existent, with the sole intention of the seller to issue their classic line: “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.” LaFevre calls BULSHIT. LaFevre has his own retort: “If I have to ask, it’s not worth it.”

LaFevere retorts...

Dream on, Bullwinkle...

#270 - Jean Genie

Women make their pants so tight for them to get into,
that guys can never get into them.

#269 - Dreamstate

Ever talk in your sleep, only to wake, realizing you were talking in your sleep, but not before you finishing the point or argument you were making, only to finally stop after finishing what you had to say, just to make your point, only realizing the whole time, you were talking in your sleep?

#268 - Character

Character. Our lives are defined and built on character. It is said our characters are not born, but created, sculpted and molded. This is true. One could say it is a part of our DNA, ironically, to create our character to the point it is perceived as part of our DNA, even though it’s not.

The evolution of our character is a continuous journey, beginning in childhood, changing, alongside puberty, relationships with our peers, and on through adulthood. This evolvement has difficulties, unfortunately. One difficulty, in the early stages, is in determining how we wish to define our character, to start. This is due to our inability to find and decide just exactly what our character should be, at least for now. We think it is forever, without knowing we can change it at any time. Such is life as a teenager. Never said it would be easy.

The negative difficulty is far more serious, which many suffer from; and that is separating one’s character, the created, separate, character, from reality. The ultimate challenge is to separate that created character from our true selves, if that character is not a true representation of our actual selves.

“Character is what someone is willing to do, or does,
if they knew they wouldn’t, be caught.”
- Anonymous

“Just because you ARE a character doesn’t mean you HAVE character.”
- The Wolf, ” Pulp Fiction”

#267 - Worth The Price Of Gold

LaFevre was asked recently if he was still attending the event. Another time, if he was still going to assist.

LaFevre understands those who do make requests for service, are not used to people performing as requested, as promised. The 21st century has become a society of unreliability, with individuals blowing off commitments, then coming up with bullshit excuses.


LaFevre’s Promise #267 –

Unlike many in today’s world, Claw’s word is good as gold.

#266 - Bark Worse Than The Bite

LaFever remembers an old episode of Star Trek: New Generation, where everyone on board got sick. Worf, the resident Klingon, sneezed, resonating throughout the bridge. Everyone turned, and Work shrugged his shoulders and said, “Hey, I’m a Klingon”.

That is the sneeze of LaFevre. Loud, and reminiscent of a geyser. But there’s more to it than that. Unfortunately. LaFevre must remain focused and in control at all times, when in the throes of a sneeze, for a reason most others would never think of it. Why?

“LaFevre only has one only worry in the world, having your dentures accidentally fly out, in the middle of a sneeze.”

Tiger Claw says...

Who me? I’m nobody. And since nobody’s perfect, I must be then.

#265 - Big Brother

1984. Big brother is watching. Not as much as you think. LaFevre has been watching, as well. Watching the watchers. LaFevre sees the watchers as divided into three categories. Full-timers. Part-timers. And After-The-Facters. Yup, he used an ‘e’ instead of an ‘o’, obviously.

Here’s the deal with security cameras: the Full-timers are employed in banks, office buildings, and anywhere there needs to be someone watching at all times. The part-timers are employed, primarily for law enforcement purposes, on street corners, to catch ‘runners’, because they only activate on movement, when the light changes, to catch those running lights. ‘After-The-Fact’? That would be the rest of the cameras, when they need to cover a lot of ground, such as: mass transit (on busses, trains, and transit platforms), property, and retail establishments. Why? No manpower to sit there and monitor. This is why LaFevre refers to them as after-the-fact. The cameras tape, in the slowest speed, and recorded on disc, to be rewound and watched, AFTER something happens.

Better to be safe than sorry. At all times, whether by chance, or deliberate, someone is watching. Or recording.

#264 - Clockwatchers

LaFevre had a watch once. In high school. After it broke, never again. didn’t need one. All LaFevre had to do, if he had to at all was, look at any number of clocks nearby, or ask someone with a watch. He realized that the expense wasn’t worth it. It was a vanity thing. All he had to do was ask someone with a watch, what time it was.

But this is a double-fevism. Here is the second part: if you think about it, there are only two reasons to look at your watch or a clock – one, because we’re waiting for time to pass, and two, because we’re running out of time.

Patience. The windmill never strays in search of the wind.
- Chinese proverb

#263 - Lucky Kools

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever, rationally or logically, to take up smoking. Probably the most common reason is to look cool. This happens most often at a young age, due to pressures to be cool, thanks to our peers, and other sources, most notably, the media.

Unfortunately, fate, and irony take over from there. We grow up, mature, but continue to smoke, for addictive reasons, as well as other emotional and psychological reasons. The irony of it all is this: we started for vanity purposes, to ‘look cool’. We never stopped, even though we know it’s wrong, but continue do so because of the addictive impulse. Now, when we smoke, at least in public, we try to look cool doing so. The vicious circle rears its ugly head.

#262 - Hardway Or The Highway

Enlightenment comes more and sooner, to those who learn the hard way, as opposed to those who simply are seeking it. This is because enlightenment, in and of itself, is about cause and effect, action and reaction. One can seek enlightenment, and be given thoughts, theories, observations, etc, from others, but true enlightenment cannot be obtained until that one moment of experience that proves that theory, observation, etc.

Do not seek it, for it will most certainly find you...one way or another.

#261 - The Fix

'Working on fixing it'. I always thought you are either 'working on it', or 'fixing it'. When I hear 'working on fixing it', that actually means you're not fixing it at all, but merely thinking about it before you start; hence, 'working on it'. Bottom line: 'working on it' actually means the opposite; otherwise, you would actually be fixing it."

LaFevere retorts...

What other people think of you, is none of your business.

#260 - 6-Quad Sufficiency

The latest new terminology in the LaFevre Contemporary Dictionary. It is common knowledge on the street, what the “40” represents. No one brand, but the bottle and it’s size, in question. “32”s don’t count. Only domestic, 6% beers come in “32”s. But those malt liquors that come in “40’s” that LaFevre loves so much, also comes in smaller sizes. 24-ounce cans, to be exact. But using “24” is unacceptable, since “40” is already in use to represent the size. So how do we represent the 24-ounce can?

LaFevre kept thinking “boxcars”, to use a term from the casinos, representing two sixes on the die rolled. But that’s only 12. “Double boxcars” would represent, but that’s too much for a nickname in the slang sense.

LaFevre gives you “Six-Quad”. Six times four is twenty-four. As in 24 ounces. Usage in context: “I raided my change because I couldn’t afford a 40, but had enough for a 6-quad.” LaFevre has said it before, and will say it again, you heard it here first.

#259 - Penthievery

There are 2 types of people: those who use the same pen all the time, and only replace it when it either runs out, or someone walks away with it, and those who walk away with other peoples' pens. But how do you tell the difference?

The ones who walk away with other peoples' pens, have a collection of pens in a pencil cup or coffee cup, and NO TWO PENS ARE ALIKE. They use one pen themselves, but when they are away from their desks, they use other peoples' pens, then walk away with them. When they get back to their desk, they put that pen in the cup with all the others they walked away with, never to use them again.

Of course, there is always the exception to every rule. Any pen that is promotional in nature is fair game.

#258 - Shopping

No one should shop when they're hungry. Why? The buying impulse in the hunger state results in unnecessary purchases in the short-term, with the intention of eating when one gets home. Unfortunately, too many items are purchased for this purpose, resulting in either spoilage of items not consumed when getting home, or over-consumption, to avoid spoilage in the long-term.

Or, as LaFevre sees it, guys will buy what they can eat when they get home; but ladies will buy what they can cook when they get home. Too bad it isn’t apparent to the ladies, guys won't eat when they get home, if the meal is cooked immediately, not because they were dragged along for the shopping spree, but more likely because they simply aren’t hungry.

Ladies: food can be a significant turn-on, but after a meal, all we want to do is vegetate, while the food is processed in the gastro-intestinal tract, which is why most countries have a two-hour siesta, in the workplace, immediately after lunch. The blood from the brain flows below, for this process. But not any further. So if you’re looking for action, you’ll just have to wait, like the proverbial pool urban legend about swimming after eating.

Monday, July 4, 2011

#257 - Bad Apple

There will always be at least one bad apple in every group. And this saying, compliments of LaFevre, sums it up: “There will always be one standout in the group, who isn’t happy unless they are miserable all the time.”

#256 - SwellCome

Huh?! New addition to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms. Created out of a typo. A combination of two words – swell and welcome. As in, “You are a swellcome sight for sore eyes!”

#255 - Waiting On A Friend

The decision to wait is an easy one. If you know how long you have to wait, then you know how long you’re willing to wait, which usually extends for a brief period after the designated time. But if you don’t know how long you have to wait, because a timeframe was not given, only wait the same amount of time as what you would have waited past the time designated. If that doesn’t make sense, I don’t have time to wait for you to get it. You have 15 minutes.

#254 - The Abyss

Do what you're supposed to do, not what you want to do. When climbing out of a hole, you're supposed to stay on track, focus, and use the branches, rocks and holes, that are there to assist you out of that hole. The rope that is thrown down, is from an unknown, external, detached source, and a distraction, and could drop you down further, ruining what progress you've made thus far. Forget the rope. Stick to the branches, rocks and holes.

#253 - The Double Deuce

A new version of an old catchphrase. As a chuggernaut (fevism #63), LaFevre occasionally strays from the classic “40”-ouncer, for the quick rush, time permitting, of the 24-ouncer. The “40” is a classic, and already embedded in the society hood vernacular. And while 12- and 16-ouncers are one-and-done on the spot, they are two small to get the job done. A 24-ouncer gets it done, when it is needed to be done so. And so it goes, it should be honored with its own nickname. since the “40” is already taken, LaFevre gives you the double deuce. Enter, the logic of LaFevre.

Double deuce is two 2’s. How does this translate to 24 ounces? Technically, it doesn’t. But when you are using an algorithm to explain a nickname, as long as you come close, from a left-field sorta way, it works. Double Deuce. Two 2’s, that add up to 4. 2, 4, equals 24. Ounces, that is. Nicknames are just that. And as such, don’t have to live up to the exact science of mathematics. Simply coming close is good enough. After all, aren’t nicknames for anyone and everything, a stretch of the imagination, but still relative to what it refers to, if not, an exaggeration thereof?

#252 - Fountain Of Youth

"The fountain of youth, as it is advertised, and passed down through the ages, is nothing more than a pipe dream, and at best, and urban legend. But it does exist, albeit, on a more ethereal, spiritual, personal level. The fountain of youth is inside each and every one of us. It is what flows through us, continuously, and that which keeps us. You have discovered the fountain of youth if, you live each day to the fullest, don't sweat the small stuff, take advantage of every opportunity, get up and dust yourself off after being knocked down, and remember this: whatever happens, mostly likely it isn't personal; and if it is, it's there problem, not yours.

#251 - Cat's Eyes

It appears cats don't have a visual sense of the self. I've seen several comedy videos of cats in fight mode when they see themselves in the mirror, which obviously means they don't recognize themselves as such, and believe what they're looking at, is something else.

What they DO recognize is you in the mirror, but not enough to realize it's only a reflection, since they don't understand that you are behind them, so they don't turnaround. Interesting topic for further research. Meanwhile, here's a song with that in mind (sung to MJ's version): “I'm looking at the cat in the mirror...”

Lunch Is Served - an excerpt from My Chequered Life, the LaFevere AutoBiography

Here’s the example I was talking about regarding talking my way in. Aggression never works. Neither does begging. There’s a point in time, in the fraction of a few seconds, when an opportunity presents itself. Divine intervention. The planets in line. Who knows. It just happens. You only get one chance. Use it or lose it.

During the beginning of the SF underground metal scene, a favorite haunting ground was the Record Vault. A used record shop where you could find any metal you wanted. Much of it was from overseas. They were often busted for selling bootlegs. Bands often held autograph signings there. Mercyful Fate from Denmark. Venom from England. These two hated each other. Both singers, King Diamond from Fate and Cronos from Venom. Both Satan worshippers. Fit my description. Two of my first acquisitions from the early days. Metallica. Slayer. Exodus. Possessed. Death Angel. Venom was in town, headlining a bill with Slayer and Exodus. Exodus backed out, as they often did. Possessed filled in. Most may not know this, but Larry Lalonde, guitarist for Primus, originally played for Possessed.

Venom was scheduled to appear at the Vault, along with Slayer. Liked Venom, loved Slayer. Took a half-day off from work. I managed to get their autographs before they had to leave for a soundcheck. Slayer was off to the side, drinking, with no one asking them for theirs. I was with my girlfriend at the time. Edna. Philippine-born hottie. We had just finished lunch, taking her leftovers with her. We walked over to Slayer’s table. They went nuts. Huh? They were starving and saw her Styrofoam leftover container. She immediately gave it up. Even though I already had tickets, I asked if there were still tickets available. Cheap me, looking for an extra ticket. They pointed me to their manager who then put me on their VIP guest list. When we got to the show that night, I got the passes and sold my other tickets. It wasn’t about the money. If it were about the money, I would have sold the VIP passes. I wanted those for myself. To this day, it stands as one of my all-time favorite shows.

#250 - Kid's English 101

What is a thorax? The preferred weapon of a Norse god.

#249 - The Trouble with Trouble

What people go through, to get things done, is seen by some as more trouble than it’s worth. That kind of trouble is relative, and subjective. What is trouble for some, is not much trouble for others. And for some, who don't consider it trouble at all, but merely just a little extra effort, it's the benefit in the end that makes it worthwhile, and worthy of the effort, in the end.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

#248 - Mistaken Identity

If you're in your 20's, you make the same mistakes, and still don't know any better..

If you're in your 30's, you still make some of the same mistakes,
but mostly intentionally so, which means they're not really mistakes at all,
simply because "you know better"..
But if you're in your 40's, or older, you don't make the same mistakes anymore, simply because you know better, which means..if you do the same things that were mistakes when you were younger, you do so now because you...
1 - know now how to avoid the circumstances of your actions,
2 - enjoy doing the same thing over and over, and/or..
3 - you're too stupid to recognize, after all this time,
how fucked up it is to be doing what you're doing, at your age...

#247 - Third Party Watch

LaFever recently heard a great analogy on theory. Here is the story:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no bloody use to anyone." The man below says "you must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where the hell you are, or where the hell you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
LaFevre loves this type of observation, and followed up with one his own, to the person who shared the above story:

“You must be in psychology. why yes, how did you know that? only a third party could tell everyone else what there problem is, no matter what field they're in.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

#246 - DIY Instructions

Do it yourself. Easier said than done. LaFevre has news for you. Get off your ass, pay attention, and “do it yourself”. LaFevre just purchased a high-ticket item – a stand-alone home gym. Moving parts, pulleys, cables, weights. The unit costs $300. Delivery was $80. but they wanted $140 for installation. LaFevre can handle delivery. $80 for in-house delivery, no work on his part. Or, rent a van for $20, and handle all the lifting into and out of the van, and up two flights of stairs. $80 – done.

But installation? $140? A third of the original cost of the unit itself? enter moment of enlightenment. There is a market for the business of installation, and the subsequent charges that accompany it. If you don’t wish to take the time but can afford to have someone else do it, why not. If you feel it is beneath you, but can afford to have someone else do it for you, do so, but you’re still a loser. But the worst is having someone do it because you can’t do it yourself, either because you’re lazy, can’t read instructions, or are simply all “all thumbs”.

LaFever paid for delivery, but waived the installation. Sorry, he can’t pay someone to do something he’s more than capable doing himself. And here’s why: if you have someone else do it, and, for whatever reason, you have to move it, which requires dis-assembling, you’ll have no clue, let alone trying to re-assemble it.

It’s really quite simple, for anything requiring assembly. Check the inventory listed. Pull out the tools required. Start with Step 1, and so on, etc. If you can do this, you’ll be successful. It’s one thing to pay someone else to do so, and impress your woman. But it’s way better to do so yourself, become the house handyman, and get laid after all is said and done.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tiger Claw says...

Note to NFL: the next time you're looking for the perfect act to perform The Star Spangled Banner, cal The Claw. He will perform it note-for-note, flawlessly. You'll be able to hear a pin drop.

#245 - The Plan

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

Plans are made, and changed, almost as frequently. Several times in one day, with the final outcome being either the original plan, or nothing at all, because no one can agree. Everyone involved, wants to do it their way, or at least have a say. And no one agrees with anyone else’s way, wholeheartedly, without at least having their own say. The original plan forms the basis for future changes, in the form of concessions, really, but in practice, concessions have to be made, in order to accommodate and placate everyone involved. The original plan is never same again. Except in one instance.

If you have a plan, and it requires going before a group of people, who must agree on it before it goes forward, and you want it to go forward without any changes whatsoever, make sure you got something on everyone involved, and call it in before the meeting. It’ll be the shortest and quietest meeting you ever had. “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

#244 - Lost...But Not Forgotten

We all lose stuff over our lifetimes. Possessions, games, self-esteem. But there’s one loss that people claim, that isn’t a loss at all. And that’s something they could have had, but either didn’t grab it, or was too busy to do so. LaFevre has news for you: losing out on something, is no loss at all. It was never yours to begin with.

#243 - I Am The Keymaster

Aren't keys wonderful. Intended to keep something locked up or locked away, but we still carry them everywhere we go. We vacation in the Florida Keys, Key Largo, and Key West. We give away the keys to our hearts. We sing and play music in key. The most important part is the “key” component. But what is it about a key that keeps us from throwing it away?! Why do we feel guilty throwing it away?

LaFevre thinks the only time the key gets thrown out, and justifiably so...is for a life sentence. Funny how the key of life, takes your life away.

#242 Nothin' But Hearseay

“I’ll tell ya somethin’, baby, that’s a fact;
you never see a hearse with a luggage rack.”
- Social Distortion, 2011’s “Can’t Take It With You”

LaFevre’s contribution:
“It may be a fact, there’s no hearse with luggage rack,
but that luggage in back, sure got a rack!”

Monday, January 3, 2011

#241 - A New Beginning, A New Dawn

New Year’s Resolution. Uh, yeah. LaFevre’s heard it all before. I will start doing this, I will quit doing that. The first time you fall off the wagon, you stop. Everyone resolves that they’ve failed, and it’s over. Well, LaFevre’s got news for you.

Those resolutions all of you make, should be a goal for the whole of next year. Not to be started, and if you fail, you give up; but something you start or begin, becomes short- or long-term for the remainder of the year.

You do something you swore to stop? Accept it and move on, by doing without. You’ve gone a month without beginning what you’ve promised? So start now, instead of waiting any longer.

Basically, LaFevre believes the resolution has become a dream that people wish for every year, with no hope of attaining, but by their very nature, not attaining it becomes no big deal. What a copout. The resolution, by its very nature of being something you’ve resolved yourself to do, should be considered as short-term/long-term goals, to be completed some time during the course of the year, or by year’s end.

I resolve: to lose fat, gain muscle, lower BP & cholesterol, clean out the closet, move, buy a used car, return to New Orleans, volunteer at SPCA...

LaFever Retorts...

Who me? I'm nobody.
And since nobody's perfect,
I must be perfect.

Friday, November 26, 2010

#240 - It Takes One To Know One

“Only someone with heart, a good heart, can see and recognize, the same in someone else.” - Dan LaFevre
Thanks, C.V., mi carnale y compadre.

Monday, November 22, 2010

#239 - Air Guitarded

This is what you are if you get caught at the airport, setting off buzzers. Fret not, for if you have to be scanned, or patted down, and an agent asks, “What is that?”, just tell them, “Oh, that’s my air guitar. I carry it everywhere I go. It’s only dangerous if you don’t know how to play it.”

Friday, November 19, 2010

#238 - Tipping The Scales

LaFevre’s first job was as a busboy in a pizzeria restaurant. He got tips at the end of the night, from the wait-staff. The amount depended on what they got. Seemed fair. At the time. The quicker the tables turned over, the quicker the tables were cleaned and prepared, the more tips garnered. It just occurred to LaFevre that no matter how hard he worked, he would only get a percentage of what the staff got. If the staff had an off night, LaFevre’s hard work didn’t matter. He only got a percentage.

Fast forward to today. Lafevre just realized, along with also realizing sometimes it takes a long time to realize things, the scam that is the tipping process for services rendered. Biggest example: restaurants. The host handles reservations and seating, and everyone who comes in the front door. A definitive diplomatic position, except that tips aren’t given for services rendered, after the fact. Tips are given for extra assistance, in advance.

But the worst part is this: we tip the wait staff, but never the chefs/cooks. Why is that?! The waitstaff merely give you the menus after you sit down. Sometimes, they come by too soon, sometimes too long after. High-end restaurants have waitstaff run down the list of specials for you, as an added service. How often do you order the special, especially after you’ve already seen the menu and picked something off that? That’s the first point of the self-inflated value the waitstaff exhibit and impose on you.

Second, they take your order and give it to the kitchen. The kitchen cooks your food, not the waitstaff. When the kitchen is done, the waitstaff deliver it. That’s all. Waiters are nothing more than messengers. And get this: if the food arrives cold, what happens? The waitstaff take it back to the kitchen, where the kitchen gets pissed off because the waitstaff took too long to pick it up and deliver it; yet the waitstaff will leave you with the impression it was the kitchen’s fault.

And the waitstaff have the nerve to EXPECT 20%? It’s why Lafever orders to go, or have it delivered, if he doesn’t already cook at home, where he has full control over the entire process and ingredients involved.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

#237 - On The Side

There is a reason they call it a sidewalk. There is a reason why it is raised 6 inches higher than the street. It does not mean side-sit. It does not mean side-lie. And it certainly doesn’t mean side-ride. Sidewalk means side-walk. Walking on the side. The side of the road. The road, where those who use wheels travel. That means cars, AND bicycles.

“Wheels belong on the street; the sidewalk is for feet!”

Friday, October 29, 2010

#236 - Obi-Claw Kanobi

I am the Jedi master of air guitar.
He is the Jedi master of air guitar.
You don't need to see my identification.
We don't need to see his identification.
I can go about my air guitar.
He can go about his air guitar.

Tiger Claw says...

I can't believe I did what I did for a Klondike Bar..

#235 - I Know You Are, and So Am I

I may be schizophrenic, but so am I. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. I may be schizophrenic, but that’s because I’m beside myself. I may be schizophrenic, but we’re cool with that. I’m not schizophrenic, I’m a Gemini. Schizophrenics have one personality, split in two. Gemini’s have two whole personalities. The thing to remember is, dealing with both types yields the same results. Coming, AND going.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

#234 - Meds Vs. Meds

Huh? What’s the diff? LaFevre knows the diff. Medicine vs. medication. LaFevre believes ‘medication’ is the official term. Somewhere along the way, ‘medicine’ was adopted as slang for medication. So now, medical personnel call it medication, while those of us who take it, refer to it as ‘medicine’. That’s all and good, but LaFevre chooses to differentiate between the two, and change the meaning of one, but not the other.

LaFevre thinks it would be easy to separate in one aspect, that being in how it is dispensed. Prescriptions would be medication, based on their potency alone, while OTC (over-the-counter) would be merely medicine.

But LaFevre has a better distinction. Anything issued by prescription, or purchased over-the-counter, for the purpose of healing, whether internal or external, is considered ‘medication’.

Anything that makes you feel better, physically, or mentally, is considered ‘medicine’. Examples:

If you’ve had a hard day at work, and need to unwind, you stop by the local tavern for a pint. That’s medicine. If you’ve been away for a week on business, while your mate is at home, and hit the bedroom before unpacking, that’s medicine. LaFevre knows you know what he’s talking about.

#233 - Accidents Will Happen

LaFevre was recently conspiring on how to get someone access, by using tricks, via a loophole. Bottom line: conspiring. Made to look like an accident. Then he got to thinking.

Accidents happen all the time. But are they really accidents. Who knows really what percentage of accidents are really ‘accidents’. Or what percentage are really something else, based on different reasons or occurrences; or not an accident at all, but merely disguised as an accident. LaFevre sees 4 general scenarios, with others, simply a variation of the 4.

¼ of accidents are truly accidents, unpreventable, and unforseeable.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone not paying attention.
¼ of accidents are the result of someone looking the other way.
¼ of accidents are conspiracies disguised as accidents.

#232 - Cause & Effect

I was just returning from the corner store, looking into the lobby of the building next to mine. Horrendous. All the junk mail, most notably, the advertisements for supermarkets, all bundled together. Safeway, Cala, Foods, Inc., Lucky's. Pathetic. So all the tenants don't feel they need to throw their own trash away, they have to leave it on the floor by the mailboxes. Did I say pathetic? I think I did.

I had that problem for years in my building. I've been there for 15 years. I said to myself, "No. I'm holding everyone responsible." Every time someone left their shit on the counter in the lobby, I picked it up. did I throw it away? No. That would be too easy, and lets them off the hook. what they all don't realize is, all the flyers/ads had their apartment numbers on it.

So I started leaving all their shit by their door. Slowly, over time, no one left their shit in the lobby. They took it upstairs and put it in their own trash.
So if you live in an apartment building, and notice the constant and same trash by the mailbox, and you want it to stop, knowing full well mentioning it is a fucking waste of time, make the small effort for a month, of separating it and dropping it in front of each tenant's door. I guarantee you, after a month, they'll stop dropping it on the floor by the mailboxes in the lobby.

Case closed.

#231 - T.P. Role Model

LaFevre will never understand how those who are responsible for ordering supplies for their company, allow things to run out before ordering. LaFevre uses toilet paper as the prime example. Do you let it run out while you're on the throne? Maybe, if there was more in the closet. But do you let the last roll disappear, knowing there's no more in the closet? Didn’t think so.

LaFever retorts...

How is it possible for a sport like tennis to be so quiet, even though everyone is always raising a racket, while bowling is one of the loudest, yet you can still hear a pin drop?

#230 - California Dreamin'

Have you ever gone to bed, and woke up five minutes later, only to realize 7 hours had just passed, and what you thought you were thinking while waiting to fall asleep, was, in fact, just a dream, and when you assumed you were awake all night, and after you immediately thought, how am I going to make it through the day, you realized it WAS all just a dream, so today is no problem? Happens to LaFevre all the time. Could be happening right now. He’ll have to think on this tonight...when he goes to bed. WAKE UP!!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

#229 - Call & Raise Ya

Tiger Claw’s purpose, put into words: “raising the bar, for air guitar”.
New addition to the dic: “air-no-goodness”,
in response to “what are you up to...now”!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

#228 - Breaking News

LATEST NEWS UPDATE: There seems to be a lot of talk out there lately as to a certain item of origin. Commercial advertisements, online releases, etc., all claiming to be the source. Well, LaFevre’s got news for everyone:

“Windows 7 was my idea...”

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

#227 - Frontage Path

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” Ezekiel 25:17

LaFevre’s take: it is good to walk the path, but that path dictates that there be no exceptions, and you have to help when you can, those that stray from the path; and turn the other cheek, when challenged or confronted by those off the path.

LaFevre accepts, but also rejects, the path. LaFevre walks the path, helping when necessary, but turning the other cheek simply does not work today. Sometimes, the other cheek shows that those off the path, refuse to accept the path, and need to be shown, the path.

Therefore, LaFevre walks a similar, but different path. LaFevre could blaze a new path, which would be the more difficult path, considering you have to clear the way to establish that path, encountering obstacles and resistance that will test and challenge you along the way, and occasionally stop you in your tracks.

LaFevre prefers the path beside the path. It is the path less traveled, but still in view of the original path, running parallel. The perfect analogy for that path is called the "frontage road". Every freeway/highway in America has a road that runs along side it, on the other side of the fence. And no matter where you are, everywhere you go, anywhere in the US, this road has no name, but is simply referred to as, the "frontage road".

If you cannot maintain the proper path, at least run along side it, the “frontage path”.

#226 - Brain Cloud

Here’s another example of an existing term (sorta), that LaFevre has added to. The term comes from the film, “Joe Versus The Volcano”, starring Tom Hanks as a loser who is manipulated into jumping into a volcano, to placate the island chief (Abe Vigoda), as a favor to a doctor (Lloyd Bridges) who wants to mine the island for precious materials (also starring Meg Ryan in three different roles). He tells Tom Hanks he has a terminal condition, called a “brain cloud”, to convince him to jump into the volcano, as a selfless act of valor. Unfortunately, because it was completely fabricated, there was no real definition of this “brain cloud” provided. Until now!

LaFevre recently was at a loss to figure out something that was right there in front of him. Common sense and logic were nowhere present. So LaFevre remembered this “brain cloud” term, and thought, this would be the perfect definition for any situation where our intelligence takes a coffee break, and the brain is left to fend for itself, in empty space. And it’s temporary, not terminal. So instead of life-threatening, it’s only ego-embarrassing.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Longstreet - an excert from My Chequered Life, the LaFevre Autobiography

During the fifties, Dad was in the Army, stationed at San Francisco’s Presidio base. Mom worked on the base, as well. Probably how they met, no doubt. So, they would often go down to Fort Point, an old brick stronghold built in the 1800’s to guard the golden gate against invading armadas. It is located under the span at the southern end of the Golden Gate Bridge. The road down was a dead end, ending at Fort Point, but the road didn’t have a name. Hell, it was probably considered just a side road, for military support reasons. After all, there were no residences or other buildings between the main road and the Fort Point. Dad’s friends use to badger him about his and Mom’s romantic trysts at the Point. Back in the day, that’s what it was all about. Making out. Soon after, Dad was shipped out to Korea to drive supply trucks to the front line during the Korean War. Mom stayed behind to do her part to support the war effort.

Dad, ever the joker, told me that because of their trysts at the Point, the street was later named after him; that being “Long Avenue”. It was true that the road was named shortly after he left, but for the reason Dad gave, it was highly coincidental. It is official and on the map as Long Avenue. But I knew my Dad. He was always about pulling our legs. One story that stands out: driving through the country, Dad would point out the cows standing on the hills. He called them side-hill cows, with shorter legs on one side, to stand upright. We bought it, and didn't realize till years later, the legs were simply extended forward to compensate for the hillside. Oh, dad.

So I thought, ‘Long Avenue’. Sounds right. But Dad was a private. And I seriously doubt the Presidio, a military base dating back to the 1800’s, would consider naming a street after my dad, however short and inconsequential that street was, and that he was a private, even if he and Mom made it famous, albeit locally. So I decided to research it. Inquiring minds want to know.

So I called the Presidio Office of Archives and told them my situation. I knew they would assume I was jerking their chain, but after hearing me out, they actually sympathized with me, based on all of the details as I outlined above. They said they’d research the origin of the street name and who it was really named after, and get back to me.

I received a call a week later with the news for which I was seeking. I wasn’t surprised, but I was impressed; not by the Presidio and their actions, but the presumed actions of my dad’s service buddies. I was told that the street was named after a Brigadier-General who served in the Navy during the late 1800’s. It wasn’t exactly stated that he was stationed at Fort Point, per se, but was a frequent visitor to the Presidio base.

This is where it obviously becomes purely speculation; but considering the facts and the coinciding with my dad’s visits to the Point, and the name being issued shortly after his transfer overseas, it’s easy to surmise the following: his buddies wanted to commemorate Mom & Dad’s ‘sessions’ down there, for which his buddies had so much fun watching from above, and the fun they had with him after; and since the street had no name at the time, they attempted to have it named after him, after his departure. The Office responsible for this effort couldn’t do it. The case wasn’t enough to support a street name, especially for a private. So they asked to see reference material on names in the military of notable stature; enough to support a street name. Had to be someone famous. We’re talking a street name here. Forever emblazoned on signs along its path, and on every map in distribution.

They found it in the form of a Brigadier-General, last name ‘Long’ - a Navy officer who frequented the Point back during the turn-of-the-century. They submitted the paperwork. It was accepted. It was official. The turnoff street leading down to Fort Point was now named “Long Avenue”. Named officially after, and in the guise of, a turn-of-the-century Naval officer; but in reality, dedicated to my dad. What a wonderful tribute. I wish I had actual proof, but the circumstances are good enough for me. A nice piece of history to pass on for generations.

#225 - Legendary Iconics

Legends vs. Icons. a subjective point of contention. But only between people who like to argue the point. To LaFevre, it’s a non-issue. What exactly is the difference? Longevity. Consistency. And impact. all legends are icons, but not all icons are legends. Icons reach legendary status, in a short period of time, achieving the status of icon. But icons become legends when they maintain iconic status for a lengthy period of time. you want examples, LaFevre can tell.

In all your major sports, the legends are those who set records decades ago, who have yet to have those records broken. Icons are the superstars of today, on track to break those records, but haven’t come close yet. In Monster Trucks, Tom Meents/Maximum Destruction holds the most titles, but is only an icon, whereas Dennis Anderson/Gravedigger, is the legend here. In wrestling, Hulk Hogan and Ric flair are your legends, while the icons the likes of Undertaker, Sting, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, etc. how about basketball – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Wilt Chamberlain are the legends, but Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Byrd would be icons. Even though thewy’re all retired, in a few years they will classified as legends. It’s all about the matter of time. Other legends: Pele (futbol), Wayne Gretsky (hockey). And golf: Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, etc, all legends. Tiger (the other tiger) is still only an icon. sure, it may a matter of semantics, and subjective, but some things are given. to that, there is no argument.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

#224 - Moronic Idiocracy

For years, I've been using two terms interchangably, to describe people and their actions. Idiots, and morons. I never gave much thought to it until today, when I realized, there is a slight difference. Idiots are so, because they're ignorant. Morons are just plain stupid.

But Hutch made the case for training purposes. Hutch is one of Tiger Claw's original 7 samurai, and regularly consulted for his opinion, along with that of the other 6 samurai. LaFevre says, maybe so, but idiots refuse to listen, and morons fail to understand. In the long run. Good luck with that one.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

#223 - You, Me, & T.P.

TP: The only item you need to take care of all the needs that are taken care of by other items. First, there’s the all-powerful, ever-necessary, toilet paper. Then, the paper towel, napkin, and tissue. The paper towel, napkin and tissue are luxury items, while the TP is the necessity item. No one should be embarrassed to use TP for all 4 purposes. Allow LaFevre to add a backup emergency item to your arsenal – sanitary wipes. They eliminate the need to use a spray. But on that unfortunate occasion when you run out of TP, and go to the closet, only to discover nothing there, and it’s in the middle of the night, when the corner store is closed, whip out a few sanitary wipes, and lay out to dry (wiping with a wet wipe is simply unacceptable). After the wipe, you’ve not only disinfected, but added a pleasant aroma, which is a good thing, in certain situations. After all, the root of “cologne”, is “colon”.

#222 - Just, Give...It...Up

Overheard during a casual conversation at a social gathering:

Unknown: “Oh, so you think you know it all, you think you’re all that.”
LaFevre: “...and a bag of chips.”
Unknown: “Now you think your funny, too.”
LaFevre: “I don’t think; I only know.”
Uknown: “Well, excuuuuse me.”
LaFevre: “There’s no excuse for you. Only pity.”
Unknown: (Mr. T. voice) “I pity the fool!”
LaFevre: (Obi-Dan voice) “Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the one who follows him.”
Uknown: “I give up.”
LaFevre: “Better to give up than to give in. “Giving up” is merely a realization that there’s no hope, and bowing out gracefully. Giving in, is accepting defeat without any grace whatsoever. Have a drink, on me.”

Monday, July 19, 2010

#221 - Sidewalkers & Weavels

New additions to the LaFevre Dictionary of Contemporary Terms, along with sub-terms, as it relates to “sidewalkers”.

LaFevre has new terms for those who are problem walkers who are a nuisance on the sidewalks. Two were already exposed in fevism #122 “You’re Trippin’ “, ones who drag there feet, called “stumbleweeds”, and the condition that causes it, “slackfoot”.

One is “weavel”. A “weavel” is one who wanders while walking, drifting from the left to right, and back. “Weavels” make it difficult to pass, because when you move to one side to pass, they drift into your path. After 3 attempts, one can’t help out but scream, “Hey, one side or the other, pal.

The other is “sidewalker”. A “sidewalker” is just someone who walks on the on the sidewalk, that’s a pedestrian. Noooo. “Sidewalkers” are those who travel in groups, or what LaFevre likes to call, “packs”. Why? Because for some reason, they all have to walk side-by-side. Two-wide is fine. But three- or four-wide? C’Mon. Do you really half to take up the whole sidewalk, so anyone coming from the other direction, has to move all the way to the side, and sometimes on the outside of a pole or tree? No respect. These are “side-walkers”.

Solution: do what LaFevre does (of course it helps if you’re big, look bad, and also pretend like you aren’t paying attention): walk down the middle. You can see “sidewalker packs” from a distance. Find a line, and stick with it. 9 times out of 10, the pack will part. If not, bump them. If they speak? Turn around, act psycho and drop the bomb: “Do you really need the whole f/n sidewalk?”

This was worth a whole page.

LaFever retorts...

LaFevre's favorite things to do at Walmart:

Filling shopping carts and leaving them in the aisles
When someone walks away from their cart, add stuff to it.
Set up a full-scale battlefield with all the little army men.
Ride a display bicycle through the store, saying it's a test drive.
Take a nap in the display patio furniture.

#220 - Pause For The Cause

Each day, LaFevre prepares for that night’s entertainment, along with a double-wide of fine wine. But on those days where the next begins a vacation, he prepares with two. Why? To start of the vacation right. As in...right after he wakes the next day. When else?!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

#219 - LeStreak

What is it about streaks being invoked by the media. We’re talking sports streaks here. LaFevre believes there needs to be a rule book for streaks.

#1 – There no streaks in football. Why? Games are played once a week. It’s just not fair.

#2 – The streak should be tiered. Dynasty teams, such as the Yanks, Sox, Mets, Dodgers, Giants, etc, win more than they lose, so in all fairness, consecutive wins over 10 become streaks, as do the top 3 teams in each division in the current year. Conversely, the bottom 3 in each division in the current year, who are losing more than they are winning, get the streak starting at 5 in a row.

#3 – Effective immediately, all streaks across the field shall be done by women, not men. Sorry ladies.

Friday, July 16, 2010

#218 - Art Of The Spoken Word

It’s all in the delivery. Of course, it helps if you’re bigger than everyone else. so, with that in mind...

Wherever you are (work, party, social gatherings), and want to deliver a criticism, or even an insult, without having to suffer repercussions for doing so, LaFevre has the solution. Whatever it is you have to say, start out with “Well, from what I hear” or “From what I’ve been told”, then deliver the blow, as if you’re the messenger. The closing line should cover your ass. Raise your hands and shrug your shoulders as if you “don’t know”, and repeat after LaFevre: “I’m just sayin...”! That line will should render you neutral, if you deliver it correctly. Hopefully.

Friday, July 9, 2010

#217 - All In Your Head

Unless you actually possess the power of ESP (extra sensory perception), as in, reading others’ thoughts, it’s all in your head. But a few of us do possess certain skills, on a much higher, acute level, such as: attention-to-detail, common sense, deductive, intuitive, logical, and observational abilities. These skills tend to lead others to believe you have the ability to read minds. It certainly would appear so, on the surface.Prime prerequisites for the field of criminology and law enforcement. LaFevre is the first to admit, it feels good. But to put others’ minds at ease, he immediately gives up the goods as to how he came to know. LaFevre’s quote for the record:

"The flaw in reading minds, is the potential to misread at times,
and also run the risk of a mind changing during in the process,
but not as risky as the person denying you were right all along."

#216 - The Unthinkable

“I think; therefore, I am.” – Rene Descartes

From your teens through your 20’s, your only concern is what people think of you. In your 30’s, you want to know, but only out of curiosity. After 40, it no longer matters what anyone else thinks, when it comes to you. As Popeye once said, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tiger Claw says...

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, as the left-hand man, and I would rather not see you everyday.

#215 - See The Light, Know The Light

Another addition to the dictionary. Why LaFevre didn’t think of this long before now, but so be it. Sometimes it takes awhile to apply a material word to a realization, like a breath of fresh air in the cold, becoming steam in the process. Poetic, yes? Most call them inspirations. This term represents the inspiration LaFevre has, that evolves into a fevism. And that would be...the Fevision. Awright, quiet down. LaFevre’s ears are burning.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

#214 - Hocus Pocus

“No one who ever paid attention, suffered as a result of it;
unlike those who didn’t, and missed out altogether.”

Friday, June 25, 2010

#213 - Cafe Bacteria

Got milk? Then Got This? Got That? Everything is plagiarized. Rarely today is anything brand-spanking new. So in the interest of plagiaristic tradition, LaFevre gives you the next marketing package...for fat burners.

Remember the RAID commercials that even still run today, with those little animated cartoon pests that freak when RAID appears? Now they appear in medicine commercials, as mucus, bacteria, viruses, etc.

LaFever envisions these same parasites as FAT CELLS. After popping a fat-burner, it coats the body’s interior, similar to Pepto-Bismol, and the “fat cells” cry out in agony – “I’m melting”.

#212 - Sowing Seeds

No matter where LaFevre goes, there’s a fevism waiting to happen. Saw it on the bus today. Cigarette butts? No. Chewing tobacco? No. We’re talking “sunflower seeds”. LaFever can’t think of, at least at the moment, a worse food for several reasons: complete disregard to proper disposal, and the follow-up janitorial efforts. Here you have a seed, where the shell isn’t consumed, only the interior. The seed is too small to break apart individually, just to get to the interior, unlike pistachio’s, or walnuts, with help from a device. So the sunflower seed, or more accurately, seeds, since no one pops one seed at a time, are popped into the mouth, and more effort than is worth is undertaken just to get to that little nut inside. Where do the shells go? The floor. The ground.

Some will remove them by hand, but most consider that nasty and unsanitary, and would rather spit them out. On the floor. Or ground. ‘Scuse me? And any janitor will tell how difficult it is to clean it up. Ecchhh!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

#211 - Cat In The Hat

Not exactly. Never tell Tiger Claw “the cat was let out of the bag”, because the Claw will put you on the spot: “So why was the cat in the bag in the first place?” Hard to defend yourself on that one, without some sort of backlash.

LaFever Retorts...

We all know light travels faster than sound, which means a person may appear bright, until they remove all doubt when they speak.

#210 - White Noise

LaFever has always wanted to live above a corner bar. Deck and everything. He doesn’t mind the noise. Being born & raised in SF has had this effect, and the noise has become family. He’s often asked why, and has this to say: “If it’s too quiet, I can’t get to sleep!”

#209 - Systems Check

Let’s do a systems analysis here. There’s a system for everything. But the system LaFevre is referring to here, is the system that represents bureaucracy. A system that was built or created to bring order out of chaos, that ended up becoming the exact opposite of what it was designed to prevent. Progress. Now, the system is synonymous with Congress, er, the opposite of progress. Sorry, couldn’t resist. LaFevre could go on forever, but needed to stress the point behind “the system”.

LaFevre says: “You can’t truly beat the system until you’ve successfully cheated the system”. Examples could be given, but that would be foolish, dontcha think? After all, secrets cease to remain secrets when they’re revealed, right? One more thought, from the Book Of The LoongTao, “The knowledge a secret exists, is half the secret”. The best part is, y’all are still in the dark.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

#208 - Doggie-Do, Or Don't

Okay, LaFevre agrees. Dog owners are responsible for the mess their pets do while outside in public. But before LaFevre gets to his exception to the rule, he read someone else’s –ism, and was impressed. If aliens ever arrived, and, looking down, saw us humans picking up shit after their dogs, their first assumption would be the dogs are the master race and we the humans are their slaves. LMAO.

Now for the point. Pick it up off the street. Check. Pick it up off the grass. Check. Bushes? Not so fast. People don’t walk through, or sleep in, bushes. Bushes are the exception. Shit is organic and biodegradable. LaFevre says, leave it be.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

#207 - Ink, Inc.

Ink comes from the blood of the octopus. Imagine the symbolism of yesteryear, where signing something in blood, your blood, would be the same as using a pen. Maybe signing in human blood occurred because an actual pen was not available. Maybe an actual pen was not available because the ink from an octopus was not available.

What LaFevre is getting at, is this: he recently acquired a pirate pendant. A skull & crossbones. The usual pewter crap. He painted it black. Then came the gold paint to fill the eyes. Unfortunately, the tip was too large for the eye sockets, so only the rim got coated. A red marker was useless to fill the now-black eye sockets. LaFevre looked for red paint in the closet, to drip into the eye sockets, to no avail.

But LaFevre, a diabetic, says, hey, how ‘bout using the glucose monitor used to poke the finger, to drop some of his own blood into the eye sockets. Done deal. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “blood-shot eyes”.

#206 - Umbrella Logic

LaFevre ran into a buddy in the rain and asked him where his umbrella was. He pulled out this little tiny one. LaFevre opened his extra-wide umbrella. The buddy said, "Damn, you could fit 3 people under there." LaFevre responded, "Yup, but only one guy, me."

#205 - Need To Know Basis

Listening to politicians speak is like, (insert analogy here). Understanding it is truly a lesson in futility. But after viewing a recent video of a veteran politician, speaking publicly, responding to the vaguest-of-vague questions the media loves to throw out: “what are your thoughts?”, it dawned on LaFevre.

The media is as much to blame as the politician. Basically, you have the media, using the platform of representing the people, when they’re really representing themselves, for the obvious reason, ratings; because ultimately, what the people see, is really what the media wants them to see. So, in essence, the media is really twisting what THEY see into ratings, by leaving out details, appealing to the public’s emotions, and getting away with it. Manipulation on the grandest of scales, aka, “mindfuck on a mass proportion”. Just like politicians. But with more power. After all, the media can make or break a politician, with a flick of a pen.

The politicians know this, so they spin their answers to the media’s questions, to a point where the people don’t understand the answer. The media is forced to shorten the politicians’ answers to “soundbites”; short, edited, responses, that are intended to grab the attention of the people. The people think it’s done on purpose, as part of politicians’ job, and maybe it’s partially true, but LaFevre believes it may be done, not to keep the people in the dark, although that may be partially true, but simply as a defense mechanism to the media.

#204 - Watch'ya Watch Say?

It doesn’t say anything, you have to look at it. But seriously, folks…watches are for folks who are more concerned with status. Even more so now, since we see the time when using our cell phones more than we consult our actual watches. LaFevre’s belief: people who wear watches are nothing more than timekeepers; simply there for us who need to know the time. We ask, you answer. Hurts, don’t it?!

#203 - Run Of The Bulls

The legendary Michael Jordan. Chicago Bulls. “Air Jordan”. Red Bull. The energy drink that started it all. After years of watching Jordan fly, and years of seeing Red Bull spots and hearing their ‘image line’, LaFevre pontificates: is the Red Bull tag line an homage, to honor Jordan, or was it a collaboration between the two, or strictly coincidence?

If it was collaborative, LaFevre tips his hat to the most high-level, marketing, tie-in secret in the ad biz today. LaFevre is also quick to take credit for this discovery, since no one else has yet to make the connection, to LaFevre’s knowledge. If they had, it would be common knowledge. If not, LaFevre suggests a strategically-placed call to Red Bull, calling them on this more-than-coincidental occurrence, and suggesting the placement of himself as spokesman.

LaFevre can see the future: RedBull cartoon characters playing B-ball. One drinks a RedBull, and lifts off over the heads of all the others, from one end of the court to the other, slam-dunking for three points. After all, his last step was outside the arc. Cue the tag: “Red Bull gives you wiiings…”

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

#202 - Clockwatchers

Time flies when you're having fun. But what about at work? Which would you prefer: watching the clock because the day is taking forever? Or watching the clock because you're running out of time, to do what you gotta do, which is a good thing?! It means the end is near. And that means time for fun, which then means, time is about to fly. Twice as fast, of course.

#201 - In The Toilet

A fevism double-shot. Firstly, what is it about toilet humor that is so immature and childish, that one must be mature enough to tolerate it and not be offended by it?

And secondly, as a prime example, here’s some of that very humor, immature in nature, but even the most mature have to laugh at it, cuz you know it’s true.

Every once in awhile, LaFever likes to aim directly into the pool, hearing the flow as it hits the pond, making bubbles in the process. LaFever thinks it has to annoy some, especially when they’re sitting in a stall. The part LaFever can’t wait for, and hopes to happen some time in the future, is a comment from the stall: “Do we really have to hear you pee?”. Finally. “Fuck yeah, if I gotta smell your shit!”

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Reflections...after a landmark 200 fevisms...

We've come a long way, baby. Can that be used? I hope I don't get a call from Virgina Slims. Fevisms continues to keep it light, while making light of other things, and sometimes, even people. On this landmark occasion, celebrating 200 fevisms, I thought I'd share a few reflections on what I've seen, learned, and discovered.

I love poetry, long walks on the beach,
and poking dead things with a stick.

I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there,
and I don't want to see you everyday.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

Don't take it from me, I'm nobody.
But then again, nobody's perfect.
So take it from me,
Cuz I'm perfect.

#200 - A Sea Of Pink

Thee perfect segue from fevism #199. There are already multiple terms for vegetarian. There’s “semi”, where poultry, eggs, and dairy are allowed, but not meat and pork. Then there’s ovo- (egg) and lacto- (dairy) vegetarian, which allows eggs and/or dairy, respectively, but not poultry, of course. You won’t see “avian-vegetarian” because poultry is allowed, along with eggs and dary, under the “semi” moniker.

And then you have “vegan”, which doesn’t allow anything, except fruits, vegetables, and grains. Wait, is fish allowed? Is fish considered a meat? I know poultry is, but that’s considered a white meat, not like beef or pork, and not allowed. Oh wait, isn’t pork the other white meat. No, that’s all Marketing/PR from the pork industry. So does that mean a semi-vegetarian cannot eat red meat, but CAN eat white meat (poultry), but not the “other white meat”, since it’s red before you cook it?

Maybe seafood is the only meat that IS allowed. But why? Is it because feet is the deciding factor, since cows, pigs and birds can walk, but fish can’t? Some of the birds we consume, can’t fly. But flying is not an exemption. When LaFevre eats salmon or tuna, sometimes it tastes like chicken. Well, at least the tuna made by “Chicken Of The Sea”. Does that count?

Since beef is considered red meat, and meat from the pig is primarily red, for the most part, including the other white meat “pork”, and all poultry is white meat, LaFevre believes, and you heard it here first, folks, seafood is the newly-created “pink meat”. Think about it: if you drink red wine with beef or pork, and white wine with poultry, what do you drink with seafood? Exactly – Rose, or White Zinfandel, if you’re from SF. Don’t argue with LaFevre. He knows. He’s from SF. And doesn’t drink White Zinfandel. Sorry, ladies only.

#199 - Straight Edge Society

The new breed for the next generation. My generation calls it “clean & sober”. LaFevre gives props for first hearing this term from a professional wrestler: CM Punk. It stands for nothing unnatural going into the body. No drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or prescription drugs. Although LaFevre fathoms if it’s a matter of life & death, and the doctor administers it while you’re laying on a gurney, not much of a choice there.

LaFevre once questioned why tattoos were not included. Piercings were acceptable, since nothing went “into” the body, per se, only “through” the body. But tattoos, although topical in nature, and not necessarily going “into” the body, per se, but ink being injected into/under the skin, a few layers down, qualifies in LaFevre’s book, especially if complications develop that affect the body in a certain way, such as allergic reactions and infections.

But in the overall big picture of things, LaFevre wonders where nutrition and consumption falls into all of this. After all, if Pepsi is the end-all, be-all for the current straight-edge society, I applaud their enthusiasm when it comes to the medicine cabinet, but question their lack of consideration for the kitchen table. Pepsi is nothing more than: caramel coloring, high fructose corn syrup, caffeine and carbonated water. Not exactly natural ingredients here, folks.

The illegal stuff is obvious, as is the legal stuff that is unnecessary and of no nutritional value (cigarettes, alcohol, and prescriptions when not needed), but what about trans-fats, excessive sodium, high fructose corn syrup, refined sugars, etc.? After all, shouldn’t “straight-edge” be reserved for the ultimate health/nutrition lifestyle, which not only includes all the stuff mentioned above, but also the pure vegan lifestyle? Or is it possible to be straight-edge, but not a vegan? Or a vegan, who isn’t straight-edge? A vegan who thinks it’s okay to smoke a joint once in awhile, since it’s from a natural herb, but not eat meat or dairy? And only for medicinal purposes. Riight.

Monday, February 22, 2010

#198 - Dirty Laundry

Very appropriate. Money laundering. We’ve heard about it. We’ve seen it on film. Money, tossing and turning. But it’s more than that. Money in the laundry may be how the term originated, but it transcended to a newer meaning. The art of moving funds from one account to another, until it became legitimate, due to being untraceable.

But that’s beside the point. Why would anyone put money into a dryer? After all, as everyone knows, when paper goes through the wash, and then the dryer, all that’s left is a wad of mulch. You can’t pull it apart. You can’t decipher what it once was. But behold – money survives.

Lafever just did laundry. He also is extra careful to remove everything from the pockets. Well, for some reason, he missed a pocket. After going through the wash, AND the dryer, he felt something in one of the pant pockets. Lo & behold, folded money. A 5-spot, and 3 singles. In perfect condition. No fading. No sticking together. Crisp, US-issued, greenbacks that came out the same way as they entered. Booyah. Lunch money.

Moral of the story: the next time someone tells you something is not worth the paper it’s printed on, tell them it must not be CASH. Cuz CASH is, even when it’s run through the wash.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

#197 – Happy (glup) Valentine’s Day (slurp)

When I see my girl this weekend, I'll be giving her red tulips, instead of roses. And when she looks at me all confused, I'll ask her this: "But sweetheart, what's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ." Don't try this at home.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

#196 - Ode To My Saints

Who Dat say what we can't do
In our hearts, we always knew;
And just like Indy's stats,
The excuses won't last,
Cuz my Saints came marching through...

Friday, February 5, 2010

Tiger Claw says...

No, this time, he doesn't say anything.
He howls, and growls,
at the top of his lungs,
with a deafening roar,
turning heads,
stopping everyone and everything, in their tracks,
for all to hear, and fear,
for this year, 2010, is the Year Of The Tiger,
and this time, he will not be denied,
because this time, TIGER CLAW...
WILL...
GO...
ALL...
THE...
WAY!!!

#195 - Shitstorm

OK, these two are classified as an “unfevisms”, and relegated to mature-audiences-only, even if the subject matter is sophmorish. It can’t be “X-Rated”, since that’s reserved for porn, and too taboo/forbidden to be “R-Rated”; so it gets that least-used of all MPAA ratings, “NC-17”. Gross, toilet humor, literally; but LaFevre sees humor in everything, and spends a small amount of energy just keeping some things to himself, even though he knows it’s common knowledge. Everyone knows, but nobody talks about it.

#1 - Ever notice when you're sitting down for a #2, during the process, you feel your stomach shrink, and the bloating disappear? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.

#2 – Don’t you hate it when you finish that #2, but because whatever it was that you ate, it resulted in at least 5 wipes, which seemed like enough at the time, or maybe not, but you couldn’t keep going, because it would result in two flushes, and if you had tried to do it all in one flush, you would run the risk of a backup; so you stopped, because it seemed like enough at the time; but lo and behold, two hours later, you need to go back for a couple more wipes, because, well, just because? Everyone does, but nobody talks about it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

#194 - Scare Tactics

Which part of the fevism scares you more: the message contained within, the context in which they’re written, or your interpretation of them? Oops, left out the messenger.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

#193 - Waiting Room

They say waiting is the hardest part. They weren’t kidding. We wait for everything. We wait in line, for everything. We wait for the end of the workday. We wait for this. We wait for that. Then why is it we go off on someone we had to wait for? Sure, 15 minutes or more is no excuse. But today, people get pissed if they have to wait more than 5 minutes.

I’ve got news for you. On one day, you’ll have to wait 5 minutes. The next time, someone has to wait for you. It all comes out in the wash. Unless you wait more often than someone has to wait for you. If that’s the case, leave.

Bottom line: think about it, when was the last time you showed up at the same time as the other person? I’m talking walking up to X-marks-the-spot, at the exact same time? But wait, there’s more…

Monday, January 4, 2010

#192 - Under The Berry Tree

LaFever recently discovered a new berry, found mostly in public places. Its tree is a great place to sit under, read a book, listen to pre-recorded educational materials, etc. It’s called, the liberry. Now, while you’re there, look up the word “library”, and do us all a favor: learn how to pronounce it correctly. Note to kids: every Saturday is Liberry Ice Cream Day.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

#191 - DominoMyGod

After two decades of seeing Domino’s Pizza commercials, if finally dawned on LaFevre. OK, so some things take a little longer to see. But after watching the latest commercial advertising their new pizza after decades of selling ketchup-covered cardboard, it became obvious why they sucked. At the same time, he finds it amazing they’ve stayed in business this long.

Furthermore, LaFevre finds it odd that he’s never heard anyone mention this. Check the logo. It’s a domino. Look at the numbers. 1 & 2. That, my friends, in the dice world, is CRAPS.

Friday, December 18, 2009

LaFever retorts...

CLASSIC KID QUIPS:

Name the 4 seasons...salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

What is a planet? A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What major disease is associated with cigarettes? Premature death.

What does "varicose" mean? Nearby.

What is a "caesarian section"? A district in Rome.

What does "benign" mean? It is what you'll be after you be eight.

Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They grow in damp places and is why they look like umbrellas.

How is dew formed? The sun shines on leaves, making them perspire.

#190 - Sunglasses At Night

LaFevre likes lighter wear during the day, not just for the obvious reason of sunlight reflection, and darker wear at night, to not draw attention to himself. Unfortunately, it goes against the norm to dress dark at night, when out and about, based on the theory drivers can’t see you. Point taken.

LaFevre’s exception to the rule? No matter what LaFevre wears at night, if he walks out into the street, to cross a street, he will look at any vehicle coming up in the vicinity. Why? Because he’s white. The face, along with the moving hands, should be a dead giveaway.

But LaFevre is also prepared, because if the driver doesn’t see him, it isn’t because he was in dark clothing, it is because the driver wasn’t paying attention. And LaFevre is more than ready to do an aikido roll across your hood and up over your windshield, without sustaining any serious injury, and taking you to the bank, for a DWI (Driving While Idiot).

#189 - I Know Nothing, I Know Nothing

I miss Sgt. Schultz. Hogan’s Heroes was one of my 3 all-time faves (along with #3 – Mash, and #1 – Wild Wild West). I’ve also read in Eastern Philosophy scriptures penned by grandmasters and old philosophers how they know nothing, when they actually know more than most. Humbling, no? Yes? I realized the same thing one night, as I do other times, when it takes an extra-long time to get to sleep. No epiphany. No revelation. Just a realization. But always based on a recent experience, as always.

“No matter how much I’ve done, or how long I’ve been doing it, what I know through what I’ve learned, is still nothing, compared to what I don’t know, and have yet to learn.”

#188 - Knowledge Is Power

The more time you dedicate to learning, assimilating, and realizing the truths of a particular subject, the more simple and less complicated it becomes, resulting in even lesser time determining what follows is true, and what is untrue.

#187 - Meat Market Collisions

Fevisms appear out of the blue, from left field, by way of inspiration, observation, or by total plagiaration (made up on the spot to keep in rhyme, another fevism?); but there are a select few that not only deserve credit for not just their inspiration, but their contribution, and receive credit in the process. Hey, LaFevre’s integrity is at steak (pun intended). What follows is a really cool analogy based on a conversation with a good friend, AA, aka A-Ron the esquire, who likened the unfortunate incident of an automobile accident, to a piece of meat. T-Bone.

T-Bone – Getting hit in the side, in a perpendicular fashion.
NY Strip – obviously, a side-swipe, as in, trading paint.
Flank/Rump Roast – uh, a rear-end job. Duh.
Rib-Eye/Porterhouse/Ground – the head-on collision

Note: Obviously, the head-on is the worst, where no one survives. Originally called Rib-Eye, since the eyes are up front, but then changed to Porterhouse, for the sheer size of the cut, or severity of damage, but then, Ground, as a metaphor for the end result. In this case, there is no cheeseburger in paradise.

Disclaimer: the use of the fevism number of 187 (police code for murder/death/kill) and the context of the subject matter, that being, the morbidity of vehicular collisions, is strictly coincidental.

#186 - High Expectations

There are needs, and then there are wants. Pretty cut’n’dry. The difference is the path. Do you expect, or simply request? When needs aren’t met, there is sorrow. When wants aren’t met, there is anger. But you have to ask yourself: are you expecting, or requesting? We’ve forgotten our place. You can request to have a need fulfilled, or a want fulfilled. But in the end, all you can do is request. Expecting, in and of itself, is selfish.

The solution: don’t expect. Request. If the need is not filled, call back later. If a want is not filled, deal and live with it. But everyone has an advantage, sorta. You may not get what you need, or what you want, but if you get anything, be happy with what you got. And if what you got was what you hoped for, not just what you wanted, because what you wanted and what you hoped for, were the difference between living or simply surviving, you’re ahead of the game. But even more important, after the fact: don’t just say thank you, but remember what was done for you. It’s not someone else’s job to remind you, it’s your job to remember.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Tiger Claw says...

He saw a sign in the local music store once: Out Chopin, Bach in a minuet.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

#185 - The Wayback Machine

Is it LaFevre, or do the bicycles of yesteryear have it backwards?? Guy bikes had the straight bar, gal bikes, the curved-downward bars. Uh, must have been designed by a dude. Crossing the leg over the seat was the macho thing to do, while sliding the leg inside the bar, was the girly thing to do. Too bad it was the opposite of what was practical. Huh??

Any guy will tell you they wish that straight bar wasn’t there. Why? Every guy who has ever rode a bike, has slipped off the pedals, and crushed his nuts on that straight bar. Blunt, yes. But also, painful. Should’ve been designed the other way around. Maybe that’s why all bikes today utilize that straight bar. Women’s equality, you say? I don’t think so. What’s bad for the goose, is bad for the gander.

#184 - Phone Manners

Ever notice when people are speaking in conversations, or giving speeches or lectures, they often use hand mannerisms to accentuate certain points in the conversation? If so, then why do people do the same thing when talking on the phone?

#183 - Riddle Me This

Zen riddles for today: Since most sports are seasonal by nature, does that mean all fans are fair-weather fans? And isn’t it amazing, hilarious, and pretty hella funny that the word “tissue” sounds like a sneeze?

#182 - Dreamscape

Here’s a fevism on how to alter a dream, if you cannot change the dream altogether. Or worse, nightmare. LaFevre was having a nightmare, being chased by zombies. LaFevre loves vampires, but hates zombies. He woke up several times, and went back to sleep. If you do that too soon, you go right back into the same dream/nightmare.

So LaFevre thought, how do I turn a bad dream into a good dream. Cut a deal with the cutest zombie girl. “I’ll let you eat my brains if you jump on me and ride for the duration.” Needless to say, I fell asleep, and no dream. Obviously the deep sleep stage before you have to get up when the alarm goes off. Always happens. The best part: LaFevre woke up with a woody.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

#181 - The Loser's Cup

“Take this cup, fill it up, and bring it back to me.” Drug tests. Oh, the hypocrisy of it all. Don’t get LaFevre wrong. It serves a purpose. In any job that involves the safety and security of the general public, or employees of all local, state and federal government agencies, it has its place.

Here’s the problem: You indulge on a Friday night, whether it’s a couple joints, a few lines, a hit of this, a gram of that, or whatever. In bed by 2am, or 4am, maybe 5am, ok 6am (LaFevre was adamant about retiring by 6:12am, his time of birth, felt waking up before the sun rises, was like missing a day), after 7-8, ok, 10 hours of sleep, you wakeup, clean, albeit with a headache, or a hangover. But you ain’t high no more. So you abstain until Monday morning. If you take a test, you’ll still come up positive. How unfair is that.

The problem is, how does an employer know if someone is drunk or high now, or from the night before? Currently, if an accident happens, and you’re tested, and come up positive, you’re busted. Even if you were clean and sober when the accident occurred.

Reality check: the agencies test for residue, not the active ingredients. The active ingredients wear off, leaving only a residue. This is the 21st century. It’s high time (pun intended) we devise a test that will determine active ingredients present, not residue.

LaFevre retorts...

BIOMECHANICS - Why yawning is contagious: we yawn to equalize the pressure on our eardrums. This pressure change outside our eardrums unbalances other peoples' eardrum pressures, so they yawn to equalize their pressure. And it crosses species lines. You'll yawn when your dog or cat does, and vice versa. Don't fight it.

#180 - Bloodline

Not just a new term, but a new term for a new drink. LaFevre’s own concoction. It’s called a “bloodboiler”. This is a 50/50 mixture of champagne and red wine. Red wine is dark enough as it is, so the addition of champagne gives it a more “blood red” appearance. The champagne also carbonates the drink, with bubbles floating to the top; hence, boiling blood.

LaFevre came up with this generic version, but has his own brand name for a specific mix. It’s called “Dragon’s Blood”. Obviously, out of love for the dragon. Champagne and Merlot. Why Merlot, and not Pinot Noir or Cabernet? Because Merlot is LaFevre for “Merlin”. And the dragon is the pet of the sorcerer. As if you had to ask…

#179 - What Colorful Roots

In the beginning, there was black, the absence of all color, like space. Then came white, the combination of all colors. Then came color. Broken down from light, which contains all the colors, on different frequencies. The rainbow is the prime example of this, as light interacts with our atmosphere, showing all the colors of the spectrum. This is why the sky is blue, since you’ve always wondered, but never asked. Blue is the lowest frequency, which is the only one our atmosphere allows through.

So we start with the primary colors: red, yellow and green. Next are the intermediate (secondary) colors, as represented by the combination of 2 of each of the primary colors, in a 1:1 ratio: orange (red/yellow), green (yellow/blue), and purple (red/blue). Other colors come in different ratios of the primary colors (pink, brown).

But almost all colors today are represented by one of three categories, floral (flowers), citrus (fruit) and vegetation. What’s LaFevre’s point: All of these new colors, these hybrid colors, are based on materials that grow out of the ground, or grow on that which grows out of the ground. And so it goes, LaFevre points out that the “roots” of all these new colors that originate from the ground, are red, yellow and blue, and their intermediate counterparts, orange, green and purple.

Next time you’re at the supermarket, go to the produce section. Be sure and where your “rose”-colored glasses.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

#178 - Wishful Thinking

More of same ole quick wits LaFevre wishes he came up with. LaFevre can attest to the fact that everything nowadays is pretty much rehashed, copied, plagiarized, etc. He does it, too, but alters it to improve upon, but credits the source, and only takes credit for the alteration. Thank you.

Props here go to the original Hollywood Squares regulars, from back in the day, when the same people occupied the same squares, rather than today, where celebrities change on a weekly basis. None of them, nada, zilch, can hold a candle to the square-holders of yesteryear – Paul Lynde, Charlie Weaver, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Wally Cox, Joanne Worley, Arte Johnson, Charo, and later, George Gobel, Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Buddy Hackett, and my favorite, impressionist, Rich Little. Cue Peter Marshall, on the wayback machine:

Which of your 5 senses tends to diminish as you get older?
My sense of decency.

Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Only after lights out.

It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

What are the two things you should never do in bed?
Point and laugh.

What are “dual-purpose” cattle good for, that other cattle aren’t?
They give milk AND cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.

And the classic Paul Lynde’s immediate response, without any hesitation, to the question, “What should you do if your pajamas catch on fire?”
“Slow down.”